Little Girls in a Big World
Spiraling parenting thoughts on growing up, internet performance, and what it all means for us and the next generation.
As summer comes to a close and my sweet little smidge gets closer to turning 5, I am entering into a new phase of mothering… Drop off playdates.
It’s exciting to watch my only child have quality time with other kids outside of school or camp. It’s also exciting that there is a new level of independence, which challenges my natural state of hovering and smothering. That feels both part of my nature and a result of the first couple years of my parenting journey being literally just me, Lee Singer, and Quinn due to the pandemic of it all. So a lot of times I have to actively remind myself not to be Amy Poehler in Mean Girls and just let the kids play.
I shouldn’t act like I’m super well-versed in this arena. We’ve only done two complete drop-off playdates and a handful of “Let’s hang downstairs in the kitchen while the kids play upstairs or outside.” The thing is though, I want to be the one to host the playdates. Aka I want to be in control.
Today’s parenting landscape presents all different kinds of obstacles that my mom definitely did not have to navigate. I don’t even think she really talked that much with my friend’s moms growing up. There was a lot of small town trust with a 90s hands-off approach. Today, what with gun safety, technology, sleepover opinions, and the general cultural isolation particularly in motherhood,1 to me things feel a lot BIGGER and more coated with anxiety.
As a social person and a general people pleaser, I like making connections and being friendly. I’ve slowly been learning I don’t need to be everyone’s friend, nor do they have to be mine, but I still value a relationship connection.
When it comes to playdates I do want to have some foundation with at least one parent. I’ve had to push myself outside my comfort zone to ask (at least what feels to me) uncomfortable questions about safety inside someone’s home, values and practices, things that maybe most parents aren’t broaching in the beginning stages of a friendship. Do the “what if” scenarios in my head and our constant outrage-fueled news cycles enhance this overprotectiveness? Am I ultimately taking away opportunities for independence in the name of safety? And how do I get past assessing the risk of god forbid something happening to my one, precious child because I was “too afraid” someone wouldn’t like me for asking a nonjudgmental question?
This week I let JOY outweigh my ever-present, just below the surface, impending dread of the future.
Even just the logistics of things at this age of my kid make it easier for playdates to happen. I can pick up the kids from camp because we are now in booster seats, no longer needing giant car seats. We do not live and die by a nap schedule. The kids have better relational and conflict resolution skills so they can actually play independently and don’t need a parent as a freaking mediator or referee at all times. And because I’ve made the choice (and have the privilege) of working part-time for myself, my schedule is flexible.2
As I drove two little chickadees to Chick-fil-A3 for lunch, they giggled together in the back seat, held hands across the middle divider, and sang along to the ever-iconic Donna Lewis track I had playing. I am nothing if not a curated playlist girlie.
I overheard through giggles and singing…
“This is the funnest I’ve had in my whole life!”
“Let’s pretend to be sisters!”
And then amidst the fun of being upstairs playing in Quinn’s room with Playmobil creations, fairy wings, and Tonies…
“Mama!” followed by the sound of tiny footsteps swiftly moving downstairs to find me…
“Can I have a hug?” as she stands in my office doorway, arms outstretched, taking a big squeeze before running back upstairs to keep playing.
She wants to pause and come hug me while she’s having an epic time with her friend? Yes, I will take it from now until the end of time.
And then there’s the #RushTok rabbit hole I’ve fallen down which brings back the dread again.
of the incomparable Substack has been doing an incredibly fascinating series on Greek Life at the University of Alabama. Part One which dives deep into Sorority Rush Week completely hooked me. I went to a small-ish liberal arts school in upstate New York that did not have Greek life whatsoever. Even at the time, I knew I was grateful for that. Then when I moved to Tennessee immediately following college graduation I became adjacent to SEC schools and most of the friends I made had come from that lifelong system. My liberal New York self was consistently blown away at parts of that culture, and fortunately being post-college-aged it never really captivated me. But this series from AHP has monopolized my attention, leaving me horrified, curious, and unable to stop watching #RushTok4 content. I haven’t been able to stop asking myself: “Is it inevitable that this is what young girls in today’s world turn into? Is this how they express themselves?” What was my generation’s calling into local radio stations and making away messages on AOL Instant Messager, is today’s Get Ready With Me and OOTD.5 Is this the new manifestation of girlhood and growing up?
The level of performance of young people on social media is astounding. As AHP so smartly reminds us, being 18, away from home for the first time, in a new place, and desperately seeking to belong… What else could we expect? I can understand that they are doing these performative things to fit in. We all have done that as young people and teenagers. I’ve been there. I’ve done some cringy, unsafe shit in the name of fitting in.
However, seeing the difference from even just 8 to 10 years ago, to now and what is expected of these literal children makes me disappointed in us adults for setting them for this. And perhaps it’s because I am an outsider looking in and I don’t yet have a teenager, but I just can’t help but feel immensely sad. Then my rage follows. Aren’t we really doing a disservice to our young people to make them think that this is what they need to do? Like how have we actually gotten this far and this is what is just normal in our culture?
I don’t know if I can be so hard on the younger folks today. I do have some more years of wisdom and understanding which gives me the ability to look at it from the perspective of being on the other side. They are just in it, it’s the water they swim in, and really haven’t been shown another way. It still terrifies me. And it all informs my parenting decisions today. Which feels a bit righteous but also a bit necessary??
And here I am, someone who’s writing publicly on the Internet, hoping to be witnessed and hoping to be seen. So I’m not immune or above this. I’m just having a really hard time grappling with the expectations of young people and how I parent through those cultural expectations.
The repeated affirmation is “Delay. Delay. Delay.”
I can imagine that there are moms and parents ahead of me with older kids thinking nothing but “Just you wait.” And I’m sure there is truth to that. I hate that very much because I don’t think it’s productive or supportive, yet I have absolutely thought that when I meet a mom with an 8-month-old who is just blissed out with cuteness. That is absolutely true, but your baby isn’t even mobile yet. Once their opinions and feelings really kick in, shit gets hard.6
I’m trying to be prepared for shit to be hard when my kid is a tween and then eventually a teenager. What I am holding out hope for is that the pendulum is going to swing in the other direction. Schools are making changes to combat phone usage, and there are national pledges for communities of parents and kids to all be on the same page about access to smartphones and social media.
I haven’t read The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness by Jonathan Haidt,7 but it’s on my TBR list and I’ve consumed some of the discourse about it here on Substack. I’m absolutely on board with one of the book’s main strategies which is to delay access to smartphones and social media for as long as possible. I even think waiting until 8th grade is too soon.
On a recent episode of
’s podcast, Under The Influence, she interviews Julie Scelfo who is the founder of MAMA (Mothers Against Media Addiction). This is a grassroots, parental movement that seeks to make change in the following ways:In our homes so that our kids can experience childhood without constant distraction and manipulation by tech companies
In our schools so that kids can focus, play and learn and teachers can actually teach
In the law so that families and teachers, not tech companies, decide what their children see.
What I really appreciated in the conversation between Jo and Julie was that they acknowledged how immensely challenging this movement/task/vision/dream is. In a world where we ourselves as grown-ass adults feel overwhelmed and consumed by technology, it can feel insurmountable to tackle this head-on for our children.
Another recommended resource from my gal
that has been added to my TBR list is Filterworld: How Algorithms Flattened Culture by Kyle Chaykahow. This explores the impact of permformative internet practices and what that actually means for individuality. By consuming daily content from our algorithms, aren’t we all just being served the same thing, getting stuck inside our echo chambers, missing nuance and context that make life richer and our perspectives more open? I would agree with this. I will also state that I have quite a few basic, flat tendencies that create my identity.I’m currently writing this while sitting in a millennial pink desk chair that I bought at Home Goods. I’m wearing lululemon align pants and also have the corresponding belt bag.8 I spent a solid two weeks scouring Poshmark before successfully purchasing a pair of Blundstone boots that I genuinely can not wait to wear this fall and winter. And my above-shared playlist is a crystal clear indicator of my taste in music.
In the years to come, I envision this being more of an open, respectful conversation as opposed to a battle.
My therapist often reminds me that being a present and engaged parent takes things to a new level. That feeling overwhelmed and concerned all the time, while not always productive, can actually be a marker of good parenting. Not to be a judgmental asshole, but being an engaged and intentional parent does feel like one thing I can keep coming back to to quell all these anxieties. Please remember I’m a classic Millennial who was conditioned to understand that if I did things right and worked hard enough, I would be rewarded with positive outcomes, aka have worth and value.
I also understand that I can’t “good parenting” my way through this dark forest. And when it comes to what exactly I’ll be up against in the next ten years, the truth is I really don’t know.
I have these conversations often in my friend groups.9 Those of us with younger kids want something different for them. We’ve seen what the last ten years have done and we also understand that technology in our world is not going away. Will we be able to swim against our culture’s current and make even a small change that can have a lasting impact on the next generation’s mental health and self-esteem?
My work right now is staying as present as I can be with my fierce, curious, sparkly almost five-year-old. Because Kenny Chesney was right when he sang Don’t Blink. It’s too true. I recently saw an old work acquaintance of mine whose kid I babysat for 13 years ago. I remember picking them up from school and swinging on the monkey bars, passing the time until the sun went down. That kid is now a senior in high school. A smart, independent, beautiful, well-adjusted human out here in the world. It’s a marvel and a miracle. And I now know a fraction of how much work went into that endeavor.
The last five years have flowed by and I want to hold onto as many slow, special, and loving moments as I can with the hope that it continues to build a solid foundation for my kid to always be a curious, aware, intelligent, beautiful, engaged, and independent person in the world.
My hope is that we can continue to provide and create an open dialogue with those we raise our kids alongside and our kids themselves. And with that, we build community and systemic support to change the course of how technology is utilized in our lives and the generations to come.
If you’re reading this or engaging with it on the Substack site or app and you enjoyed it, please tap the Like or Restack button. That helps me grow and also makes my heart go boom-clap. I post new entries once or twice a month and you can catch up on my thoughts about boobs, regret, mothering, the internet, and finding meaning in it all until the next one arrives. <3
Please don’t read this as me saying that working full-time outside the home makes someone any less of a mother or parent. Our culture and societal structures don’t make it either for us to choose either path. When it comes to knowing what is best for your family and your capacity, I respect any career decision a mom or parent makes.
I know. This company is homophobic, does nothing to protect reproductive rights, and wields its Christianity as a weapon. AND their food is good, in every kid’s meal there is a cooperative game or a book in lieu of a toy, every employee is always very kind, and the kids had a blast.
As I have written, ad nauseam, I don’t regularly participate or engage on social media apps. I’ve been watching the videos that AHP shares on my laptop’s web browser so I’m not getting the full experience but I’m getting the gist, and damn the gist is SOMETHING. Also, this person is an angel among us on the Internet.
Outfit Of The Day. These are seemingly daily videos from people, particularly young girls, who share what brands they are wearing and how they are doing their hair and makeup.
To be clear, shit is hard at ANY stage of parenting.
I’m a little bit suspect of a white, Boomer man being the current expert in this field. Clearly I have some stuff to unpack because that’s not entirely fair, but then again neither is the patriarchy.
I worked for lululemon from 2014-2017. I was then a part of their Ambassador program from 2018-2020. Overall I enjoyed my experience and participation with the company. As a white, able, and thin-bodied former yoga teacher, that makes sense for the identities I hold and I know how problematic the brand has been. In 2019 I attended the Global Ambassador Summit in Vancouver and saw a way more in-depth, diverse, and transparently progressive side of the company than what shows up in local, US stores. That was when I first, reluctantly, purchased the belt bag wondering “Are we really trying to make fanny packs happen?” Now I silently eye roll when I wear it because within 10 minutes of leaving my home every single person from the ages of 7 to 77 has one. I guess that could speak to the refined accessibility of the brand, but I’m not sure if lululemon has kept its ability to create compelling trends as it’s tried to keep up with the good graces of the general public.
Literally like 3 days ago at a monthly get-together. Hi Haley and Amy, I’m so grateful you’re here!