Playdates and Guns
Navigating our sad reality while keeping hope for a better world.
Since 2020, guns have been the leading cause of death for kids, teens, and young adults in America.1
I was still living in Nashville last year when the Covenant School shooting happened. I was on a meeting with a client and all my devices were in Do Not Disturb. I came back online to a staggering amount of messages and alerts: “Is Quinn ok?” “School shooting in Nashville.” “Daycare is currently locked down.”
When chaos and violence were so intimately close to those I love most, my body was flooded with sheer terror and overwhelming panic. What in the actual fuck is happening?
Despite its immense growth, Nashville can be a small community, especially for those who had planted roots like we did for over 10 years. In our circle, we were only 1 degree of separation from someone whose kid or parent was in that building. It feels gross to write about it from a not-directly-impacted perspective. Some form of survivor’s guilt maybe?
This unfolding of events is not unique to only me. As of writing this on February 22nd, 2024, there have been 49 mass shootings in 2024.2 There have been 52 days in 2024. The sheer terror and overwhelming panic, coupled with constant phone notifications and news alerts accompany most Americans every day.
After receiving small bits of info about the Covenant School shooting, I rage-screamed and sobbed on the floor next to my desk because the reality of this world we live in had just knocked on my door. And I knew in my bones that no matter how hard we were going to fight like hell, this wasn’t going to get solved.
I marched in the streets. I sat in the Capital Committee rooms. I hugged a stranger in the hallway who couldn’t catch their breath through tears because they couldn’t protect the students in their classroom. And I saw lawmakers literally look through people standing right in front of them, pleading for sensibility and safety to protect children, as they voted not to pass legislation that would make progress.3 What in the actual fuck is happening?
Great Hope. Hard Work.
That’s been a personal affirmation of mine since 2020. Keeping hope alive, especially in our trying times, is a discipline that takes work and is necessary to continue toward change.
Even when…
It feels like I’m screaming into a void.
The first thing I do when I take my cute kid to the movies is put my eyes on every exit and seat us on the aisle.
We go to a university sporting event as a family and I pay zero attention to what’s happening on the court or field because I’m scanning the crowd.
It feels like nothing will ever get solved.
Even then… I need to reach down into some reserve to keep pulling hope to the surface.
That hope, whether it be full and vibrant like a fluffy cloud or depleted and deflated like a used whoopie cushion, is what I try my best to hold onto when navigating raising a human in today’s world.
We left Nashville in May of 2023 and have been settling into building the next chapter of our family story in Charlottesville, VA. As we begin to navigate playdates with other kids and families that we aren’t intimately connected to, a new version of terror and panic has begun to show itself.
I’m a people person. I like making connections and friends. I’m also a bit nosey. It’s the double Gemini in me. That also means I love over-communication and details. For the new friends I’m making maybe that feels like a bit much? I haven’t received this feedback so it’s probably just my inner critic making that statement, but I can put off “Let’s Be Best Friends Energy” pretty easily.
And at the same time, it’s who I am. I want to be in conversation with openness and vulnerability. And when it comes to our kids, I want to do what I can, where I can, even on the smallest of scales, to make this world a bit better for them.
In the interest of embracing the idea that motherhood is activism and that it can be done through small everyday interactions, and with the LBBFE I put off, I practice being as direct as I can. As Brené Brown says, clear is kind.
When solidifying plans for a playdate, here is the text I send the day before:
Hi! We are excited to have [friend] over tomorrow. Do they have any allergies or any other safety concerns for me to know?
I’ll have snacks for them, and both Lee and I will be here. We’ve got scooters and bikes plus lots of stamps and art stuff. And in the interest of being brave and awkward, we have no firearms in the house. This way if the kids want to wander upstairs and play, they are all fine to be independent and do their thing.
I’ll be totally available for them if and when they need me!
So far it’s been met with “love” reactions, “sounds good!” and “I appreciate the heads up.”
I’m not about to read into those responses because as a people person who leans heavy on the people pleasing, I’ll spiral into fictitious ideas and makeup stories that won’t be helpful. But overall it feels like a pretty positive response.
I’m also not here to say this is the way to do something. I do think it’s important to find a way to have these conversations, or at least make the statement so some form of information can be exchanged and potentially keep our kids safe. Feel free to use the above text word for word, or let it inspire you to start your own conversation.
It’s worth saying that I have yet to drop my kid off at someone else’s house for a playdate that I’m not present for. Nor have I had the interaction of being in someone’s home where firearms aren’t securely stored. Clearly, I’m trying to hold onto what little control I have in this big scary world by having the friends over to our house. What those other conversations will entail and how it will play out in the drop-off scenario I really don’t know. It fills me with panic, insecurity, and dread. And I know it’s an edge for me to meet as a parent that will hopefully become normal and commonplace with more practice.
Hope that translates into action
Everytown For Gun Safety and Moms Demand Action are two of the best resources I have connected myself with. The hope in me gets replenished by going to local chapter meetings and even just receiving their newsletter.
The terror and the panic inside me don’t get to win with updates like these:
Across the country, people running for office at all levels of government (including many Moms Demand Action volunteers!) are listening to our demands for stronger gun laws. They know that gun safety is a winning issue, and they're ready to take on the gun lobby.
AND IT'S WORKING! This is exactly how we helped flip Virginia's state legislature back to a Gun Sense Majority just three months ago. And it's how we're going to secure victory for Gun Sense Candidates up and down the ballot in this year's critical elections.4
And I can’t not mention Voices For A Safer Tennessee who has leaped into immense action since last year. They continue to forge ahead and keep hope that, even in deeply red states, progress can be made.
These are proven organizations that take thoughts and prayers and put that energy towards talking with folks in local communities and demanding answers from legislatures and lawmakers.
Art can sum things up best
This #WordsForGood art by Cami of ZeaInk5 feels like the right thing to end with…
If you’re reading this or engaging with it on the Substack site or app and you enjoyed it, please tap the Like or Restack button. That helps me grow and also makes my heart go boom-clap. I post new entries once or twice a month and you can catch up on my thoughts about boobs, regret, mothering, the internet, and finding meaning in it all until the next one arrives. <3
Everytown For Gun Safety #KillerBusiness video here.
This article from WUSF, the flagship National Public Radio member station in the Tampa Bay area, states “The Gun Violence Archive, a data collection and research group, defines mass shootings as incidents in which at least four people are injured or killed, excluding the shooter. The archive counts 49 mass shootings in 2024.”
This New York Times article provides a direct parent perspective from the Nashville community (subscription required).
An excerpt from the Everytown Victory Fund newsletter on February 21st, 2024
This incredible artist who brings hope through creativity is currently navigating a cancer diagnosis. If you feel called and/or are able, you can support Cami through her GoFundMe here.